The Sweetest Sound

Bullying.  Very popular topic right now...as it should be.  Most gay people have stories of discrimination.  Mine were minor.  Mine were few.  Then I became a parent.  I became a lesbian parent. My stories of discrimination increased.  So did my stories of support.  As a parent, no one can hurt me more than by hurting my kids.  Kennedy attended a traditional school from kindergarten to third grade.  The school is one that has a waiting list and parents hope to get their children in because of the "good education".  Starting school, Kennedy was a vibrant, secure, tell-it-like-it-is-champion-for-all-causes-girl.  She was outspoken and creative. She spoke of her family freely. School projects openly depicted our family.  Not flaunting. Not hiding.  Just being.  We never taught Kennedy we were different.  We never taught her about differences because we have never been able to pinpoint a norm.  Second and third grade were hell.  Second and third graders had pinpointed a norm and we were not it. The bullying started slowly.  Almost like a pedophile grooms a victim.  The questions were asked.  "You have two moms....You don't have a dad...TWO moms?".  Then came the judgement.  Gross. Weird. Then came the cruelty.  She often played by herself because she had gay parents, she was isolated, ridiculed mercilessly, called gay at every turn and, the breaking point, when students used school computers to access gay websites using the material to make fun of her and us. 
Kennedy started to do projects differently. She became withdrawn and didn't want to go to school.  We worked with teachers, who were incredible, but the bullying continued.  Finally, her third grade teacher, after implementing awareness activities, discipline and lessons on difference, told us that in all her years teaching she had never seen kids as mean spirited as the ones Kennedy was having to contend with.  She openly told us, that as much as she did in the classroom, her voice was not louder than the one the kids were hearing at home.
We moved Kennedy.  Kids are not the bullies.  They are victims of what is taught, allowed and encouraged at home.  Just as her teacher stated, we could not be louder than the voices at home.  We were done trying to be tolerated.  We wanted to be accepted.  We moved her to a different school.  We will never place our children in a school that is narrow religiously, politically, economically or ethnically.  Good education comes from experiences with people that are different from them. Not just test scores.
Kennedy is getting back to the child that was bullied out of her.  I will never forget who I saw my child turn into. I know it was similar to those children who could not bare the weight of the words continually placed upon them.  When I hear about the kids who chose to die rather than live...I remember all over again. We are grateful to be where we are.  I hate the way we got here.  We recently toured a middle school and two of the girls that were particularly mean,  during that time, were on tour as well.  I saw my child shut down in a way I have not seen in years.  My first instinct was to intimidate them the way they had intimidated Kennedy.  That was my 10 year old coming out.  Then I wanted to tell the parents that their children were not any better than the kids that had bullied gay and lesbian youth to death.  That was my 14 year old coming out.  My adult self, along with Kennedy's glares, kept me silent.  There was nothing more to say that was not already said during that time.
So I write asking for more than tolerance.  Asking to just be.  Children are unaware of race until they are taught race.  Children are unaware of discrimination until they are taught discrimination.  As parents, we should teach our kids that we have more similarities than differences.  As parents, we should teach our children that kindness is most important.  As parents, we should teach our kids that differences can sometimes be scary, but that does not mean they are bad.  This is my gay agenda.
Today one co-worker made a remark that I considered to be discriminatory.  The remark was made at a Christmas party in front of about 12 other co-workers.  I did not address the remark when it was spoken because I needed to think about what I wanted to say.  Silence indicates agreement.  My silence was momentary. I left the party quickly, not stung, but done.  I got in my car and immediately started to receive texts from co-workers. People checking, apologizing for comments out of their control, calling, caring for another person.  When I arrived at the office my co-workers gathered round to hug and console.  One co-worker asked if I was hurt.  She stated she was upset by it and wondered how I felt.  The truth was I wasn't hurt. The offending co-worker was not a friend or someone I cared about outside of professional courtesy.  The voices of the people gathered round were louder than that of the negative comment uttered earlier. 
Kennedy was weighing on me.  I wish she had  more voices supporting her than voices that hurt her. I wish she had peers standing with her, waiting to hug and protect her . I wish for every hurtful comment made to her during that time she had 12 voices supporting and comforting her.  If Kennedy had 12 voices of unconditional support for every hurtful word, she would not have lost her own voice.  She would not have felt less than or isolated.  If each child bullied to death had had the support I did today, they would not have lost their way or their life.
Today, I did not feel alone or less than or hurt.  I felt love and support in a way I would not have experienced if discrimination had not been voiced. That is how it should be.  Support rising when threats are greatest. Acceptance bigger than hate. Kindness with the loudest voice. The incredible thing about today is when I could have been marginalized, others stood with me.  Bullies would have no power if 12 voices countered their one voice.  Bullies would stop if 12 people stood against them.  Bullying is a huge problem for kids and adults. Give your child the voice of kindness.  Believe me when I say there is no sweeter sound.