Kuker and Ben. Yin and Yang

I have two sons. Ben is a fair skinned, freckled face, blond haired, blue eyed child.  Kuker is a dark skinned,  brown eyed, black haired, sweet faced child. They both love to play soccer, wrestle, ride bikes, wear hoodies and watch movies.  Sometimes, when they sleep, they intertwine and resemble the yin and yang symbol.  They are two energies, feeding off of one another, connected by their family circle.

Ben used to argue he was "a little black".  Kuker would get furious that Ben was claiming blackness.  Ben would scream he WAS a little black.  Kuker would scream he was NOT black, he was peach. Toe to toe. Back and forth they would go.  Each yelling louder to convince the other of Ben's race.  The root of their argument was really Ben worshipping his brother and wanting to be like him in every way. Racial conflict due to loving a person of a different race so much you want to absorb them.   Not destroy them. 

In the wake of Trayvon Martin, I have thought a lot about what it means to raise an African male in this culture.  How can I keep him safe? Teach him to be less threatening? How much does he have to shrink to have acceptance and safety? How could Trayvon have been less threatening than jeans, a sweatshirt, skittles and tea?  My loving child who holds the door for me, guides his Nana in the dark and hugs frequently.  I cannot fathom him being intimidating due to color or height or the deepness of his voice.  Yet I know he will.  

More than I have thought about raising my African son in today's society, I have thought about how I will raise my white son in today's society.  The burden is on Ben, not Kuker.  Ben needs to continue to embrace being "a little black".  To never force anyone to talk or smile or dress or wave in a certain way so he does not become fearful and shoot. Or not hire. Or relegate to a lesser position.  Or cross to the other side of a street.  Or follow a minority around a store to make sure they do not steal.  

Ben will be a white man.  He will redefine that role without knowing he is redefining. He will teach his children without knowing he is teaching.  Being a little black will be so natural for him, he will not know to be uncomfortable or scared or superior.  He will be a white brother who loves his black brother.  The burden is on Ben.  He does not feel the weight.  He does not know about Trayvon.  He knows Kuker.  He will be the change.

I am amazed that white people fear black people.  I am amazed that a teenage child walking on a sidewalk was a threat.  When did black people lynch white people, strip them of rights, enslave them or treat them like property? It was a long time ago.  It is still being lived out today.  

Systematic change is virtually impossible.  History can't be changed. The present day killing of Trayvon can't be changed.  The fact that a black man shooting a white man would have lead to the immediate arrest of the black remains true to this day. A white man with a gun is a different story.

I will raise my children to walk differently in this world.  I will teach my white children to never expect another race to be less than for their comfort.  I will teach my African children not to shrink to accommodate fear.  I will teach all of them to walk tall, be true and do not shift for the comfort of others.  They see family when they look qinto a face that is a different color than them.  My kids intersect and intertwine with each other, changing energy and changing the way it  feeds.  They will be the change.  They are a good start.