A Child Shall Lead Them

I didn't grow up in church.  I do not know all the words to "The Old Rugged Cross".  I do not have the books of the bible memorized.  Sometimes I get confused as to why Jesus turned over the tables.  Greed? Blasphemy? I do not believe in the virgin birth. I get so pissed at God for social, global and economic injustices that I swear him off like cigarettes or alcohol.  A bad habit I must break.
I didn't always want to swear off God.  I am only angry because I had my heart broken.  Pain, fueled by anger.  Anger, fueled by pain.  I do not think one can exist without the other. My love for God shifted to pain and anger.  My passion for God remained.  Channeled by different emotions.
I was 15 when I fell in love with God.  I was transformed by the power of the love I felt.  I hear people talk about God's love now and I remember, although I cannot claim to know that love any longer.  My relationship with God lasted into my twenties.  I struggled with my sexual orientation.  I experienced so much judgement from churches/organizations that had previously nurtured me.  Organized religion became the mistress that tore us apart.  I was left broken. In a pile.  On the floor.
I remain on the outskirts of organized religion.  I am continually pulled into relationship with church and with God.  I wade through religion.  I remain in shallow waters.  Not wanting to get out.  Not wanting to go deeper.
I wade through church.  I go enough so the kids have a basis to form their own ideas about religion.  I stay away enough so I do not remember what it once was to me.  The only problem is that I am the mother of Kennedy.  The most inquisitive, compassionate, spiritual child I know.  Kennedy has recently decided to be baptized.  Ugh.  Why can't she want to pierce her tongue or get a tattoo? She wants to go to church more.  Why doesn't she want to sleep in and eat pop-tarts?
She wants to get baptized.  I get it. I am scared for her, but I get it.  I am drinking a whole lot of the blood of Christ but I get it.  I hear her voice.  It use to be mine.  I see her eyes dance at the understanding of something bigger than her.  I recognize the dance.
I know what she feels right now.  I am certain I will not be able to love God with the reckless abandon I did as a youth.  I know things will be different for Kennedy.  I know Kennedy is greater than I ever was.  I know God did not break my heart.  The ones who say they love God did. I know Kennedy can go forward where I stopped.  I know that despite the pain, being in relationship with God is the love of all loves.  I know that once you have experienced that love there is something about it that will not let you go.   Even if you swear it off daily.
Kennedy has brought me back to faith.  Faith my journey does not have to be her journey. Faith she can be one that loves God and does not destroy in his name.  Faith, that as I watch my child being baptized, I know that something in me will heal.  Something in me will move to deeper waters.  I am not ready for this.  I will need to schedule her baptism on the same day as communion.  I will need the blood of Christ on that day.  :-)