My Elliot

RAD has kicked my ass.  For those who are blissfully unaware, RAD stands for Reactive Attachment Disorder.  RAD.  It doesn't sound bad until it has turned your world upside down.  RAD.  It sounds cool.  The car is so rad.  Radical.

It. Is. Devastating.

To sum RAD up in oversimplified terms, a person diagnosed with RAD will lash out at the ones they love most. I love you. I hate you.  I want to live at home. I want to kill you.  It is a dizzying experience that leaves you with whiplash and in a constant state of confusion and wondering. RAD had told me no one would want to be part of our family.  We were the problem and our family was incapable of loving enough to fix brokenness. RAD is what is left of the skills needed for her to survive.  War.  Famine, Illness.  Unimaginable loss. RAD is the war that continues to rage once the one with guns is no longer a threat.  RAD recently delivered a blow that left me down for the count.  I was done. Knocked out. The referee was pounding the mat and I could hear the countdown...1...2...3...

And I did not care.

I was reeling and numb at the same time.  Life continued. Demands of the other kids.  Work. In the midst of this, I went to visit a German exchange student I was supervising.  His placement was not working out and he was broken in a different way. 4...5... Not down for the count, but lonely in a strange country with strange people.  Lost.

He needed a new home and it was my job to find one. I felt inadequate.  How can I care for anyone else when my own family felt so broken?  I was not able to care for my own kids, much less an exchange student. After hours of conversation, I told him I would find him a new host family.  I was weary.  We looked at each other.  Knowing he couldn't go back.  Not knowing how to go forward.

I called JoAnne.  She said to bring him home until I found a new host family.  I was unsure.  RAD had convinced me I was not capable of caring for others.  I looked at him and stated he was welcome to come to my home but there were things he needed to know. I am gay.  He did not care. We have 4-5 children, depending on the day and RAD's mood.  We have a plethora of animals. We are loud.  I was trying to talk to him out of it.  Warning him of things RAD had made me believe.  He said he just wanted to be part of a family.  I wondered if I was capable of making him part of the fragments that remained of my family.  Regardless, we loaded up in the minivan and drove home.  I doubted.  Immensely. 6...7...

The comfort I had was knowing this was a temporary arrangement.  He would stay until I could find a new host family.  We could fake it for a week.  Supervising exchange students, I often have families ask me if I have ever hosted.  My answer was always no because our kids are too young.  Our family is large.  Maybe when they have moved out. We want to but we are going to wait a couple of years. Answers that hid truth. Our family is under RAD's siege.  We are getting through right now.  We can't fit anymore in our lifeboat.

Leroy moved in. We were tentative at first.  Very polite.  Moving in familiar patterns but with a new influence.  Then Ben hugged him.  Kuker smiled that smile. Caleb opened up his room. Kennedy tried to sway him to Team Jacob. JoAnne was calming and stable.  It was like the munchkins in the "Wizard of Oz".  How they all creep out tentatively and all of a sudden there are millions of them and everything is alive. I saw our kids come alive. They were not as gone as I had feared. I saw our kids open their hearts and home in ways I did not know they were capable of after being so wounded during RAD's reign. We settled into a natural rhythm.

It wasn't just our kids.  Leroy came alive too. Leroy has a way of relating to each one of

the kids with such tenderness and kindness.  They soaked him in.  We were happy.  We were capable of being a good family.  A family a boy wanted to be in and felt safe in.  A family he chose and trusted to take care of him.

After a week, it was time for Leroy to go to his new host family.  We could not let him go. He did not want to leave.  The kids begged to keep him.  Like he was a puppy.  They made all the promises to care for him.  Leroy promised to be a good puppy.  After much conversation, we knew he was supposed to be part of our family. We kept him.

When I was little, I loved the movie "Pete's Dragon".  The dragon's name was Elliot.  His job was to go from family to family and help them heal. Once they were established as family, he went to another family to help them. I often think of Leroy as my Elliot.  I know he is only here for a short time and then he will have to leave.  But we are better because of him.  And, he is better because of us. He is part of a family.  Which is exactly what he wanted.  We found ourselves as a family again. Which is exactly what we needed.  We were not ready to host an exchange student.  It didn't matter.  All we needed to be was open. 8...9...I am standing.  No longer reeling. Healed in unexpected, amazing ways.

Leroy has since told me I "over warned" him about our family.  What?!?! No one has ever said they had too much warning in reference to our family. Oh, you really over prepared us for the invasion of your family said no one ever. Healed in unexpected, amazing ways. All we had to be was open.