Acknowledgement

Tonight I want to write. I want to write about everything that has happened since my last post. The last entry was on 9/15/09. I am bombarded with emotion as I reflect on the last 6 months. The events make me dizzy and to try to capture all of them in one post would leave all of us feeling somewhat manic.
I have written many entries in my head but I felt I could write none of them until I wrote about my dad. I could not write that entry. I could not write about that loss. No words could carry the weight of those emotions. My dad died 9.23.09. I could not write about it so I stopped writing. I stopped and waited for the words to come. I waited for the letters to form words that would form phrases that would form sentences that would make sense of my dad's illness and his death. I realize those letters, words and sentences are not coming...at least not anytime soon. I want to write. I want to write about taking our chicken to school, being contacted by a long lost relative, the birth of my niece, the highs and lows of Lori and I and quips from the kids. How could I tell those stories but not that of my dad's life, illness and passing? I wrote nothing. Sometimes I felt angry that words could form the story for so many other events. I would not write them down. I would not give them a voice. They would remain silent.
I was watching Forrest Gump last night. He ran in that movie. In that movie, he ran for three years. He ran until he stopped. He then went home. Something shifted in me with that scene. He ran until the urge to stop became greater than the urge to run. I am in that place now. The urge to write is greater than the urge to not. I write knowing I do not have the words to convey the story of my dad on this day but I acknowledge the story is not done yet. I acknowledge the good and bad of my relationship with my dad. I acknowledge the anger at his illness. I acknowledge the grief at his death. I have no other words. I thought my first post, following the death of my dad, would be some great story that would propel me to write. I was sure that when the right situation happened, some really funny event or life changing circumstance, I would write. The urge to write propelled me. The acknowledgement is the entry that came. I do not have the words for more than an acknowledgement. My heart will not let me do less.