Trying to Help

Let me start by saying that we are still waiting. We have taken a step forward in that we were able to deliver the children's completed file to our local USCIS office. Now we wait for their approval. This step is the least stressful in that we feel confident the file will be approved. We just do not know how long the approval will take.

Receiving their file was both joyful and painful. Always the combination of those two emotions. Pain in holding their father's death certificate. Joy in looking at the completed adoption decree. Guilty joy.

Ben has asked several times, "Are Gormah and Kuker home?". There is something about the way he says that that breaks my heart.

On MLK day Kennedy wanted to do something to help. Her idea was to take a bag, collect money and randomly give to African Americans. She had been told at school that MLK had helped African Americans. I told her that people would not give money if they did not know exactly where the money was going. Her plan was to write "Blacks" on the bag so people would know. Uhh, I don't think so. Not exactly the dream MLK had in mind. I realized I needed to explain that MLK did help black people begin to achieve equality but he also helped white people see that it was not right to treat people differently based on the color of their skin.

Okay, so as a white parent it is very difficult to explain the civil rights era to a white child. The main reason it is difficult is because she does not judge people based on color so I do not want to put that in her head. I do not want her to know that people were seen as "less than" because of race. At the same time, I want her to know the dignity and grace in which the followers of MLK handled these hateful acts. They are stories that are not to go untold.

The next day I was talking with an African American coworker and she was stating it was difficult for her to explain the civil rights era to her AA children because they do not know to hate white people and she does not want to put that in their head. It was comforting to hear that I was not the only one struggling with how to address this issue. I was feeling very inadequate in how the whole thing was handled. It was nice to know I was in good company.

I often hear people refer to the lack of racism as color blind. I am not sure about that. The term "tolerance" is an issue for me also. We have to do more than tolerate others. Tolerance is a bar that is set way too low. I think being color blind is a bar set way too low as well. We hope our kids will appreciate the differences in races, cultures and ethnicities. We want them to know that people are different and that we all have something to contribute because we are unique. Our hope for all our children is that they will see color and know that people of different races can love and live as family. Lori and I talked a lot about having a transcultural family and one of the many positives is that our children will see a black or a white person and see their family. They will know about other cultures and not believe stereotypes. It sounds good on paper anyway. We will see how it actually works out!!!!

Our children will either be very open minded due to being raised in a lesbian, transcultural family or they could grow up and write a scathing book about the trauma of diversity. We are hoping for the open minded option.

All that to say, I am not sure what is the best way to help on MLK day. We did work out a solution for us. I know for sure that standing on the street, collecting money, with a bag labeled "Blacks" is not the way to do it. Her intentions were good.