connectedness

i am fairly lucky. i have a partner who i adore. my kids are good. health is good. i feel i have a good network of friends and family. lately, things have happened and i have been examining the level of connections i have with people in my life. first is lori. when i think of her i think of peace. forever. comfort. she is my soft place to land. my connectedness to her is clear and strong. it becomes more complex as i look at other relationships. next i think of my kids. such distinct personalities and very different people. kennedy is my first. i do not care what anyone says there is something special about your first child. she is so compassionate and thoughtful. she is the poster child for deep thinking and deep feeling. however, she cannot follow a two step command to save her life. she loses everything and is very scattered in her day to day. it is pretty serious and we are having her tested to see if there is some add or audiological processing issues. her creativity is huge but so is her disorganization. my connection to her is extreme. i am totally in love with her and she drives me the most crazy at the same time. gomah. i remember seeing the first pictures of her and thinking "how sweet". sweet is not a word i would use now. she is strong, reliable and smart. gomah and i struggle with our day to day connection. she is good in many ways but there is a bossy, mean spirited side we are trying to curb that keeps our connection in a constant state of ebb and flow. she and kennedy are a real life living odd couple. gomah's laugh is infectious and her humor keeps me close. kuker is the one who i would call sweet. he is a caretaker of siblings, us and animals. he randomly will come up grab you from behind and hug you. he will take off before you can return the hug. he needs to be the hugger, not necessarily the huggee. i swear his brain cells do not always connect. some things he says you wonder if you are misunderstanding him because they make no sense or it is something so obvious you think "surely he is not asking that" but he is. he is the most athletic of our kids and that may save him. my connection with him is consistent and calm. ben. he is the stereotypical baby brother. aggravating, mischievous and depends heavily on his siblings for play and as targets when he needs to aggravate. ben loves deeply but shows it through teasing and harassment. he loves to have fun and his smile will melt even the most pissed off sibling. he is the baby. he drives us all crazy but you cannot help but to love him.
on different days i have different favorites. the immediate connection with each child sways with behavior, events and just day to day stuff but the permanent connection that makes them our kids is constant.
lori and i were talking about the beginning of our relationship, which starts out like many others with the highs of being in love, and the obsessive nature that brings with it. lori misses that phase of us. i do not. i love the history we have. i love what we have built and reproduced and created. the things that i love are the things that come with time. stability, trust, comfort and peace. i loved that initial phase of our relationship but it is not what lasts. i like the lasting parts the best.
family connections change over the years. i look at my parents and sister. times when i needed them more than words can say and times i could not be around them. that connection remains despite the need for space or help. i have friends that have been with me the majority of my life but we rarely talk. i love them nonetheless. i wonder if they came into my life at different times what would our connection look like.
as the school year ends, i have been thinking about the teachers our kids have had and how i am grateful because of the care they have given. now they move to other families and we move to other teachers. our time with them is over.
i am person who craves that connectivity in the lives of people i care about. one factor in this is that our neighbor, our age, died. his mom is grieving. his brother is lost. we feel his absence but really did not know him that well. i have a strong desire to connect with the people i love in the wake of his death. there have been other factors as well but this is what i have learned. i love deeply and intensely and obsessively weather it is partners, family, friends or chickens. connectedness is complicated but i am very thankful for all i have been allowed to love. i am very grateful for all of my peeps in my life. that is what i needed to say about that. connections sway, strengthen, weaken, shift but with those we love the most, they always remain.
oh, and lori, you are my mostest everything.