Beware...More Bitching

When I posted the previous two entries I was looking at the pictures thinking everyone looks so happy and adjusted. Pictures are deceiving. Everyone is doing great with the exception of Gormah. She is making our lives miserable.

In the last couple of weeks she has immediately pulled out a hairstyle we paid to have done. I have had to chase her down the street on more than one occassion. Last night Lori and I decided to let her run and she immediately came back. We try to ignore this behavior as much as we can but then she sits in the middle of the street forcing us to get her. She has destoyed the van, broken things, crazy fits that last hours, she has said horrible things to Kennedy and she has made me miss work because of her fits. I have taken her to school without breakfast, her hair not done, her teeth unbrushed and half dressed because she refuses to do those things. And to be honest it does not bother me to do so. I have been harsher with her than I ever dreamed I could be.

I used to think I was this nurturing person who could love a child through anything and I have learned I am not. There are moments where I can see how I could love her but it is not there yet. I am not sure we are qualified to parent her. She does not want us to parent her. We have guilt all the time.

We have never been parents who allow our children to participate in before or after school care. Gormah is enrolled in after school care two days a week and we pick her up later so that the others have time to play nicely before she comes home. When she comes home she sabotages. She was home two minutes yesterday before she told Kennedy she was ugly, she was not her sister, hit her and tried to make Kuker run off with her and not play with Kennedy. Kuker refused and said he was going to play with Kennedy and was stressed she was trying to make him go with her. I had to pull her inside to make her stop.

Gormah and Kennedy had a period of bonding but when Gormah is mad at us she lashes out at Kennedy. Kennedy has been more forgiving than I could ever ask her to be.

Everyone asks "Well, didn't you expect transition?" The answer is of course we did. We read, attended seminars and prepared. It does not matter what we expected or how much we read because the experience is always different than the expectation. The truth is that you can expect things to occur but you never really know what that means until you are in it. I know my dad will die soon. I know that. I prepare for that but the feelings that will come when that happens will still leave me unprepared.

The thing about Gormah is that she was a vital part of a village where she caught animals to eat, planted gardens and patched her family's mud home. She was also allowed to run free and do whatever she wanted when she wanted. The loss of identity, combined with rules, is a very explosive combination for a young girl. I get that but it does not make it easier.

We are giving her more responsibilities to help her feel valued. She will just have to deal with the rules.

We write this blog to keep family and friends updated as to how things are going. I often say it has become my therapy. I am posting this entry because this is our world right now. I do not have the energy to sugar coat it. I do not want to present it as more or less than what it is. Read at your own risk.